dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
