Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
