I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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