I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
