Need sex. Gaining weight.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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