Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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