Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
