we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
