So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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