I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I lost the right to judge tonight
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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