JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
