He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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