I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
