i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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