All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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