I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
