how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
