i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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