I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
