I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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