It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
im holly from the hills drunk
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
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