are you still at the devil's house?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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