Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm just crazy horny about you
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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