You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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