My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
