the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
