sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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