why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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