i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
