I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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