I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
