Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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