my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
