Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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