Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
