I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
