you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
