so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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