I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
