im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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