haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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