fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
