She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
The power of my boobs compel you
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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