You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
