im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
