i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
So vagazzling was a success
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