I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
