Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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