My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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