i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
