Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
