Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Randomize
