Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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