very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
