I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
