I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
