someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
