I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
