I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Someone signed my nipple.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
