Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
